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Kissing a girl (The Trap) - Homosexuality is a sin!

I cannot remember how many times we went to the club, but I definitely remember us going and I remember hiding it from my parents. We would party, then drive back home and go sit next to a dam close to home and try and sleep or "come down" from our trip before returning home. We would generally miss them if they went to church that particular day. Once home, we would shower and get straight into bed and sleep the entire day. Parties after parties after parties, "jolling" (using slang, another word for partying) with my sister & her friends.

So there we were, living in a caravan in a caravan park in Strand, a beautiful place, but in conditions that you do not want to wish upon anyone else. Saying that I realize that our conditions weren't so bad (thinking about it now, at my age), but then, when I was 15 years old, it was bad. I did not know better. I did not know what life was about. I did not realize that I was actually blessed. I had a roof over my head. I had my health. I had my mom, dad and siblings. I had food to eat. I had an education. I had life & breath! Stupid things we take for granted, yet they mean so much.

Conditions I thought was bad at the time, was actually nothing compared to what so many others were or are experiencing in their lives. How stupid and silly we are at a young age, thinking we know everything, rebelling and going against everything our parents have ever taught us.

I was not in a normal school. I chose to go to a college and do my matric there. At that time I thought about becoming an IT person. I think I wanted to become a computer programmer. Not sure why I wanted to become that, but that was the main reason why I left the normal way of school. I was a clever kid. Intelligent, but did not show it in so many ways. I got good grades even though the living circumstances weren't great at all. (in my eyes)

I am finding it difficult to remember everything or what happened first. I am so used to blocking out certain things in my life. Most of my earlier memories have been completely blocked out. I just chose not to remember that time of my life. Full stop. Like it never existed.

Throughout that time mom and dad was working and trying to put food on the table. Things for me as a child was difficult. We weren't allowed to go anywhere because there was no money. We weren't allowed to have friends over, because of where we stayed. Here I was, a good kid with good grades trapped because I can't do anything & I can't see anyone. My life was over! Hahaha! How silly and stupid, yet those were the thoughts that went through my head. I was longing to go back to my old friends and old town. I didn't want to be there anymore.

I started smoking weed in the mornings before college. I hated that feeling, I still do, but I wanted to do anything to get rid of facing reality. At that time my sister also moved to the strand, but she and her friend shared a flat there. After smoking weed, I would attend registry, waited for everyone to leave and then go to their flat and sleep. That is where we waited for our folks to pick us up from each day after college/school. My grades were really good and it didn't matter if I attended college or not. I wasn't smoking weed when I first started the year. It only started happening much later down the line. When I couldn't cope with the current living situation/circumstances.

During this time, my sister had a friend who worked with her at the restaurant. They worked together, partied together etc.. We all really got along well, because when my sister felt like it she would allow me to go out with them. We went out drinking or partying this one particular night and went back to her place afterwards. There we carried on partying and stayed up late. I think this was how it happened. I might be mistaken. Anyway.. Her friend (let's call her "Shay"), straight friend who likes and dates men was still there. I think my sister went upstairs to sleep or something, but I was still awake as well. We were listening to music and chatting. One thing lead to another and there I was sitting on the couch/floor kissing a girl again! Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaatt??? Again you say? Yes again!!!! So when did the first kiss happen then? I actually just recalled when it happened! I guess I will have a lot of these ah-ha moments throughout this blog. Yes, kissing a girl again! This time I kissed her (my sisters) friend, someone much older than me. Nothing else happened, but that "sparked" something within me and there I was falling for the "trap", once again! So my first time kissing a girl was actually when we stayed in a town called Rustenburg in the North West Province. I was in standard 6 which today is grade 8. My best friend at the time (let's call her Ann), her mother worked at the general hospital. We used to visit each other often! We did everything together. We were inseparable! Nothing happened between us. Nothing at all. We were just really good friends. My first kiss with a girl was actually with a pastor's kid, one of my other friends, (let's call her Rachel). Rachel and I were also very good friends. We visited each other often. I never had the intentions of kissing girls or anything for that matter. There was no such thing in those days. It was girls and boys. I think we went out drinking the one day.. Rachel drank an entire bottle of brandy by herself because of some stupid boy who did something or didn't do something. I actually thought that she had alcohol poisoning, but thank goodness she didn't. She was very lucky.

I can't remember the details, but I went for a sleep over at her house the one night or one weekend. We kissed at her house for the first time. That was the first proper kiss I ever had with a girl. I can't remember if it was just play play or something, but it happened. After that night she completely blocked me out of her life. It was ok in anyway because we moved away and it was ok. Before we moved I told my best buddy Ann about the kiss and the next thing you know she ran to her mother and told her everything (because that's what best friends do right?) and what happened then? Her mother called my mother and told her everything! I felt ashamed, humiliated and so betrayed. Betrayed that my best friend would split on me after everything we shared and meant to each other. I think I denied everything when my mom confronted me. She actually then to me to stay away from Ann because Ann used to wear boy clothes.. She was also a tomboy & wore tomboyish clothes.. We weren't girly girls.. We were rough and tough. We didn't take any nonsense from anyone, especially boys.

The poop hit the fan, my secret was out! I kissed a girl and I was betrayed! Not only by my best friend Ann, but also by my friend Rachel! It wasn't long after that when we moved away to Worcester..

I didn't think I was gay at the time. I thought it was just something stupid that happened and we were silly. I went on about life as normal. Still handling girls the way I always did.. normal. No intentions, or weird feelings or anything.

The second kiss was with "Shay".


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